What they don't tell you about International air travel

Thanks to Al-Qa'ida, the US government has us all terrified that transatlantic flight is only safe given four hours of pre-boarding security measures (because you might be hiding explosives in your flip flops) and protective head gear for all economy passengers (first class passengers actually get parachutes, but only if they use 10,000 frequent flyer miles.)

The truth is, shoe bombers are the least of your worries when flying abroad. Your main concern should be whether or not you're going to be placed within a 5-seat radius of a screaming infant and whether or not that screaming infant's parents have enough Benadryl to keep it comatose for all nine hours of the flight.
If you have the blessed opportunity to pick your seating assignment at check-in, I suggest staying as close to the front of the plane as possible. The back of the plane is reserved for families traveling with small children and budget-conscious saps like myself who got their tickets using Expedia.com

Your other concern should be how frequent and of what quality the airline is going to feed you. Expect all meals flying from the US to consist of microwaved and lightly salted rubber patties with a side of soggy, canned spinach. Flying home from abroad won't be a tremendous improvement, but at least your meals are likely to have some sense of taste. Experience has lead me to discover the perfect mid-flight snack to pack from home: Chex Mix with M&Ms thrown in. Sweet and salty all in one bag. You'll be amazed at how feeling satiated will make watching Ice Age 3 with broken head phones seem almost enjoyable.

If you're really lucky, the airline will provide one of those little goody bags filled with a travel-sized toothbrush, earphones, polyester socks, and a sleeping mask. And they say nothing is free.